Ass-Fucked by Flash and Java
I'm in a rotten mood lately. It's my time of year. Sorry for all the ranting and swearing. Keep your kids away for the next couple of weeks.
Right, then.
I've always been baffled by the use of the "Start" page or "Enter" page at the front of some websites. I mean, really, what's the point of these things? If I didn't want to start or enter the site, I wouldn't have gone there in the first place. And, technically, I've already "entered" the site simply by navigating to it. So, I've always asked myself, why the extra step?
The Enter Page: Get Ready to Take One in the Heiny
(click image for larger view)
Today I think I figured out the answer. The Enter page signals something subtle but immensely important: You are about to be fucked up the ass. When you click the Enter button, a series of things is about to happen. First, a new window will pop up. This new window will be of a size, position and aspect ratio of the site author's choosing, i.e. not of your choosing and probably as gigantic as possible. The URL bar, bookmark bar, tab bar and anything else you might rely on for browsing the web will be disabled. And this new, probably gigantic window will most likely be populated with... nothing, at least for the first few seconds, save for a "progress" bar (really, is this progress?), which is a sure sign that, yes, you've just been anally reamed. Congratulations.
Flash Progress Bar: How's Your Tookas Feeling Now?
(click image for larger view)
Eventually, the Flash will load and you'll be browsing the site in no time, and, like some sort of alien abduction, you'll have absolutely no memory of this violation. Next time you see that Enter button, you'll go right ahead and click it like nothing ever happened. And then later you'll scratch your head and wonder where all the rectal bleeding is coming from.
So this post is a warning to all you forgetful folks out there. If you see a Start or Enter page for a site, just remember: It's a trap! Don't click it! No good can come of it.
Someday you'll thank me.
Right, then.
I've always been baffled by the use of the "Start" page or "Enter" page at the front of some websites. I mean, really, what's the point of these things? If I didn't want to start or enter the site, I wouldn't have gone there in the first place. And, technically, I've already "entered" the site simply by navigating to it. So, I've always asked myself, why the extra step?
The Enter Page: Get Ready to Take One in the Heiny
(click image for larger view)
Today I think I figured out the answer. The Enter page signals something subtle but immensely important: You are about to be fucked up the ass. When you click the Enter button, a series of things is about to happen. First, a new window will pop up. This new window will be of a size, position and aspect ratio of the site author's choosing, i.e. not of your choosing and probably as gigantic as possible. The URL bar, bookmark bar, tab bar and anything else you might rely on for browsing the web will be disabled. And this new, probably gigantic window will most likely be populated with... nothing, at least for the first few seconds, save for a "progress" bar (really, is this progress?), which is a sure sign that, yes, you've just been anally reamed. Congratulations.
Flash Progress Bar: How's Your Tookas Feeling Now?
(click image for larger view)
Eventually, the Flash will load and you'll be browsing the site in no time, and, like some sort of alien abduction, you'll have absolutely no memory of this violation. Next time you see that Enter button, you'll go right ahead and click it like nothing ever happened. And then later you'll scratch your head and wonder where all the rectal bleeding is coming from.
So this post is a warning to all you forgetful folks out there. If you see a Start or Enter page for a site, just remember: It's a trap! Don't click it! No good can come of it.
Someday you'll thank me.
This entry was posted
on Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 4:15 PM.
You can skip to the end and leave a response.
7:45 PMYep, you hit it directly on the mark. Some "web designers" feel they have to "capture" you into their brave new world where standard UI design is thrown out the window because "they know what we really want". I personally avoid the "rectal exam'" web site every chance I get. It's kinda of like the solicitation phone calls I get occasionally that try to sell me aluminum siding at dinner time. Web sites that tickle my anus are never revisted in my lifetime nor is the poor slob that tries to sell me something I don't want!
8:41 PM
ExACTly. That's all I'm sayin'.
-systemsboy
8:12 PM
Any site that cannot be navigated properly using lynx (or links) is no good. Or can't "degrade gracefully", as they say. Wacky flash sites do nothing to convey the real important info.
And while we're ranting, I hate HTML mail messages. Sheesh. It's stupid and gross and I still read my mail in terminal (using mutt now, but I used to use pine and elm before that).
And finally don't visit my matx.ca website, cuz the flash will drive you nuts, or make you laugh. hahahahah.
8:20 PM
*SIGH*
I miss PINE.
-systemsboy
1:38 PM
When a site like this is a creative portfolio and the user that is hiring you for a job needs to see your work, that user would be gone really fast. I'm on high speed cable and it took 30 seconds. Can you believe if a corporate VP that has heard of this photographer and wants to see the work and they wait. Bad usability, the design firm needs to be fired.
Casey
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